I’m Supposed to Be Reviewing Elden Ring
I’m supposed to be reviewing Elden Ring. I am, I swear I am. The problem with reviewing a game like Elden Ring is just how huge it is. Have you played Elden Ring? Have you seen the expansive vistas stretching out in front of your waiting and wanting eyes? Have you glimpsed, in the distance, some kind of weird monster that you must away and stomp right at that instant? Elden Ring is hard to review because it’s not so much a game as it is an experience. I would say I’m a fan of the Souls series of games. I bounced off of Dark Souls until a friend gave me a guided tour via co-op, and something clicked, and I got it. It was that moment of clarity where I understood all things in the universe and how they connected. I saw the strands that connect every moment in every timeline and I wept openly for a future not yet determined.
I’m supposed to be reviewing Elden Ring. I’ve not left my couch since February 25th. My rural internet was too slow for the download so I went outside and strung a haphazard series of ethernet cables from my nearest neighbor’s house (3.87 miles) to mine own. At first, they were scared. They didn’t know what I was doing in their house, pushing furniture out of the way, toppling framed family photos. “I need an internet jack”, I said. They were still scared. I tried to explain in terms they might understand. I understood that it was a stressful situation, that I was technically committing a felony. The man held what I’m assuming was his wife close as he pleaded with me. “What do you want?”. I stopped my frenzied activity and looked him in the eye…
I’m supposed to be reviewing Elden Ring. When I got home, internet secured, I watched the Steam download bar move up slowly. 9.6 megabytes per second was more than enough for what I had to do. I had avoided trailers. I hadn’t seen gameplay. I knew nothing about Elden Ring except that it was made by FromSoftware, and therefore it had to be a good and cool experience. I had at one point seen a snippet of gameplay, I’m told. The hypnotherapist whom I paid to remove all memories of Elden Ring save for the name of the game and the developer told me I seemed excited. He looked so glum after he had removed all traces of Elden Ring from my psyche. A tear rolled down his cheek as he stared at me. I was coming out of the hypnotic trance and my head was filled with one singular, all-encompassing thought; purely blinding in its simplicity. A universal truth known around the world.
I’m supposed to be reviewing Elden Ring. I told my boss I need a week off to play Elden Ring. He said that I was going to be playing it for work. At that point, with the pre-load finished, I couldn’t argue. An argument would take time away from Elden Ring. If I was to play this game for work, I would make myself feel like I wasn’t working. Without looking away from the finished download on my screen, I called a company that hauls dirt. I requested 2 tons of sand be brought to my house. The man on the phone said he couldn’t authorize dumping that much sand into the living room of a 1200 square foot apartment. I asked how much was manageable. He said 1200 pounds, and we verbally shook hands. I didn’t have to look away from the screen as the workmen shoveled hundreds of pounds of sand into my living room. It began piling up almost to my knees. I was on the beach, I wasn’t working. “What do you need this much sand in your living room for?” He asked as he shoveled the last shovelful into my lap.
I’m supposed to be reviewing Elden Ring. As Thursday neared, a small voice in the back of my head was screaming. You have to write an editorial. You’ll have to stop playing Elden Ring! It mewled somewhere between two lobes that I couldn’t name because I’m not a brain doctor. I knew what had to be done. This is currently being written by a person I had to hire on Fiverr. I used my hands-free headset to call my brother, who set up the deal on Fiverr. The person I hired is writing this. He doesn’t expect much, not much at all. The price for his services could never be too high or too low. This is important work he’s doing, and I’m not saying that just because he’s transcribing everything I say. No sirree. He’s on the phone with me, and before we started, he sounded incredulous. He wanted to know why I was paying him so well when I could write it myself. I chuckled, and then sighed.
I’m supposed to be reviewing Elden Ring. I started Elden Ring 8 days ago, and I haven’t beaten the first boss. This is fine and normal, is what I tell myself. FromSoftware games are hard. Asking for less difficulty makes me less of a gamer. I grind my teeth down to nubs. I haven’t eaten in 8 days. Once a day, my wife, who has quit talking to me completely, wordlessly passes me a gallon jug of water. I die again and again, in the game, and spiritually. I can conquer this boss. One more try, one more try, one more try, one more try, one more try, one more try, one more try, one m
I’m supposed to be reviewing Elden Ring.