New TERMINATOR: RESISTANCE Trailer Makes Me Want It For All The Wrong Reasons

Chances are, you didn’t know there was a new Terminator game coming out. I sure as hell didn’t. When my friend made mention that she knew the guy who worked on the trailer for, “that new Terminator game,” I thought one of us was trapped in an alternate timeline. It’s not uncommon for films to have game tie-ins, but I always hear something about them. And with Terminator: Dark Fate on course to bomb harder than LA in the Judgement Day dream sequence, I’d imagine they’re scrambling pretty hard to recoup their cost. So I did some Googling, and oh boy was I in for a treat it.

Terminator: Resistance is likely going to be my favourite game of 2019. It has just so much going for it. First and foremost, it’s made by Teyon. Teyon is a company most famous for Rambo: The Video Game, a game that looks like this:

Honestly, still looks better than WWE 2k20

If you’re thinking to yourself, “eh, doesn’t look that bad for an arcade game from 2004,” you’d be right. But Rambo: The Video Game was released to all major consoles in 2014. That is one year after The Last of Us came out. Rambo: The Video Game is so unanimously reviled that you can’t even get it on Steam, a platform that routinely sells erotic monster breeding simulators. No, I won’t link to that, but it shouldn’t be too hard to lookup.

So yeah, Terminator: Resistance is made by those guys. As an unrepentant cultural iconoclast, I cannot wait to see how it turns out. If that wasn’t enough, they recently released a new gameplay trailer showcasing the first 10 minutes. Check it out:

Teyon, you know that trailers are supposed to sell your game, right? It’s supposed to showcase the most exciting bits and deceive us into thinking the whole game will be on that level. You aren’t supposed to show us the parts where you’re just slowly walking through empty environments and tacitly dispatching limp spider drones. This seriously feels like the B-Roll reel frequently given with press kits, never intended to be released uncut and only useful as background imagery during a discussion.

As for what’s in the Terminator: Resistance trailer, where do I start? The voice acting that sounds like it was recorded by a bunch of Twitch streamers sitting in their living rooms? The trash mob spider drones that kind of just plop down like a sleepy pug when they die? Each gunshot has the intensity of a super soaker you only pumped twice. Both you and the enemies react to damage like you’re play-acting and waiting for your cue to die. There’s a part when the player reaches a little kid and is presented with two dialogue options: “I will protect you,” or, “Quit crying, kid.” Meanwhile, a little prompt bluntly informs you that your choices matter. I have no idea how being slightly rude to a child is going to alter the course of the robot-human wars, but I’m so fucking ready to doom all of mankind through my abrasive social maladjustment.

Swiggity Swooty, I’ll terminate that booty.

Terminator: Resistance is coming to Europe on November 15th and the USA on December 10th. I can guarantee I’ll be there to get it day 1. Teyon, please make sure this game sucks. This is my version of “so bad it’s good.” You and your hipster friends might pop in a copy of The Room and drink PBR and ironically say the lines, but me and my friends co-op Rambo and build bonds that last a lifetime. With Terminator: Resistance, I’m hoping to gather my loved ones close and as a single unit transcend the mortal constraints of sense and reason. My body is but a prison, and the great infinity awaits. Please release me, Terminator: Resistance.

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