Finger Chopsticks for Gamers Are a Beautiful Anomaly
It is no surprise that I don’t shy away from…stranger subjects. I’ve checked out bad videogame marketing, stolen the haunted ps1, and other nonsense. So when DreadXP Managing Editor Sam G. told me that there existed gamer finger chopsticks, I knew my fate was sealed. The market for “gamer” branded items is not small. In 2021, the video game market size was north of 80 billion dollars. I have to assume that some portion of that is gamer-focused food, drink, and accessory. I was, I must admit, pretty new to the market of gamer goods. A friend introduced me to Gfuel last year, and I’ve become a quick adherent to the delicious, sugar-free energy formula that Gfuel sells on their website and that is also available at numerous retail locations (gimme that sponsorship money Gfuel).
I’ve made jokes for years about Gunnar Glasses, Mountain Dew Game Fuel, and Call of Duty-emblazoned Doritos. I looked at those things like I would look at any dumb tie-in product: With appropriate disbelief and scorn. What I have learned in the last few months is that regardless of what I think, gamer goods is a giant, booming business. I should not have been surprised about gamer chopsticks. So, what are gamer finger chopsticks? Well, a company named SNACTIV (it’s all caps in their marketing) makes a gamer chopstick called a…wait for it…Snactiv. They claim to streamline the function of chopsticks and allow you to continue playing your games without getting your controller all greasy.
At first, I was shocked. “How? Why? Who needs this? Finger chopsticks?” the thoughts came fast and furious like the movies starring Vin Diesel. Then, I had time to think on it. It’s kind of genius. It’s been a long-running internet joke to portray hardcore gamers eating Cheetos with chopsticks because of their love of anime. It’s that thing where mainstream culture equates “videogames” with “anime fan”. As ridiculous as it sounds on its face, it is actually less messy to eat Cheetos with chopsticks. Shine on, you crazy diamonds. I can say that I don’t own a pair of chopsticks, and am honestly not that good at using them. They’re also terrible for cutting and eating things like steak, or chicken breast. Honestly, I really just gotta hand it to the fork for being the best all-around eating utensil. So SNACTIV takes – and I’m using their words here:
Chopsticks…but make it fashion. You never have to put Snactiv down because it’s literally attached to you like that one tinder date who professed their love to you 38 minutes into your first date at the Olive Garden. That means you can focus on things that actually matter like getting a job.
I really don’t even know if I can get into how wild this ad copy is. They’re essentially saying, “snactiv is like clingy women, amirite?” and it’s kind of tone-deaf. I should have expected less from a company that makes a pre-Cheeto-stained shirt and sells it along with their SNACTIV finger chopsticks. I thought long and hard about this. The first thing to take into consideration is price. SNACTIV cost 15 dollars. 15 dollars for a bit of plastic. They only come in two colors: Light mode and dark mode. Yes, those are the choices. Yes, it’s very funny. I saw that I could also get a 3 pack of SNACTIV for 36 dollars. I’m not going to hold it against a company when they’re just trying to cover overhead and make a quality product. That being said, for an editorial, I’m going to write and then forget about it by next week’s editorial…I wasn’t going to spend that much.
That’s it. That’s the end of the editorial. I didn’t buy them. Sorry. Too expensive. Just kidding, I bought a 4 pack of “finger chopsticks” from Amazon for 10 dollars. That’s a saving I just couldn’t pass up. I also got 4 different colors: White, black, grey, and pink. Already, the Heeloo company is offering a competitive product for a much lower price. Go Heeloo. I got them in just a couple of days, and I was excited to live my new life. It did not say explicitly that I had to shun all other cutlery for the rest of my life, but it was very much implied. I tore at the package like a starving dog rooting through an unsupervised butcher shop, eager to get at the life-changing bits of plastic within.
When I first set eyes on them, my thoughts were: a bit small. Then I remembered something very important: I have giant hands. I could not expect finger chopsticks to conform to my lifestyle, and that was okay. They were still good to go. I slipped them onto my fingers and felt immediate power coursing through my body. This was The Quickening but for snack foods, and there can be only one. I tried them out first with a bag of Lays potato chips. A perfect use case if I ever saw one. Potato chips are so oily, and oftentimes you have to decide whether you’re going to eat chips, or enjoy your game. Playing after eating chips can lead to the controller slipping out of your greasy mitts and shooting across the room, taking out an unsuspecting family member.
The first problem occurred on first use. They don’t really grip a lot. I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that everyone else eats chips like me: Tearing through them like the cure for depression is nestled at the very bottom of the bag. With finger chopsticks, you’re lucky to grab like one chip at a time. That’s offensive. No one eats one chip at a time. Show me a person who eats one chip at a time and I’ll show you a filthy liar. I consoled myself. So maybe chips weren’t the best use case, even though every bit of marketing ever done in the history of and for finger chopsticks lauds them as the new way to eat chips.
It was at this point that I figured since I spend ten dollars, I was going to slip the surly bonds of “eating chips” and touch the face of God. I knew my finger chopsticks had a range of “off-label” uses that would make it feel like I didn’t waste 10 dollars on bits of plastic as a joke. In these uncertain economic times, admitting that you wasted 10 dollars is akin to slashing the tires on a Meals on Wheels truck. So I had to think outside the box. I have included pictures below of the uses I found for my finger chopsticks, and in the end, I feel like they were worth my money. If you are considering getting some, I’d say go for it. Hell, spring for the SNACTIV brand if you want.
In all seriousness, it’s weird when these “GAMER SNACKS CONVEYANCE METHODS” actually somewhat make sense. I get it. Your friends will think less of you for owning finger chopsticks for gamers. That’s okay though because you’re gonna be the only person at the party with no Cheeto dust on their shirt, and plastic wolverine claws. Embrace the weird. Buy the ticket, take the ride, and I’ll see you in Flavortown.