I Think I Know What Bloober Team is Making

Much news has been made over Konami’s new partnership with Bloober Team. I recently did some investigating, and hey, I think I know what they’re making. It took a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to get to this point, but I’m ready to show the world my findings. Strap in, because this will shock you to the core. I have found 5 projects in development that Bloober Team is making with Konami. I want to lay them out here, for the whole world to see.

5. Pro Evolution Soccer 2022

Soccer is the last thing on anyone’s mind when talking about Bloober Team. Known for their immersive and terrifying game worlds, how will they handle the transition to soccer? Very well, if my sources are correct. The new PES will feature some new game modes for the 2022 release. The game will channel Bloober’s knack for unsettling environments and characters, and bring them into the PES fold. New game modes include:

Face Your Fears Penalty Shot: You’ll be tasked with shooting a penalty shot, while the ghost of a long dead aristocrat screams in your ear and tells you secrets. Every goal successfully scored will push the ghost closer and closer to coming to terms with it’s unfortunate death. Nail all the penalty shots and you’ll be treated to a cutscene where the ghost reveals they’re actually the physical manifestation of the collective unconscious anxiety of a room full of people trying to bluff their way through watching a soccer match.

Release Date: Q4 2021

4. CastlevaniaPunk 2099

Taking what they’ve learned from the hit cyber-horror game Observer, Bloober is going to revolutionize the way you play Castlevania. CastlevaniaPunk 2099 is set in the seedy, dark, but also weirdly neon-lit back alleys of New Transylvania Corporation. That’s right, the entire city is an evil corporation. In this grim portrait of the future, vampires have had their teeth removed by the NuBlood Corporation. They can’t bite people, so instead of starving, they’ve begun to evolve. You’ll be attacked by vampires jacking into your cyber-brain to feast on your memories. The game’s difficulty spikes as more cyber vampires attack you. Eventually, if you don’t protect your cyber brain from the cyber creatures of the cyber night, they’ll eat your ability to close the game. The real nightmare is hoping the vampires haven’t gotten deep enough in your memories to make you forget Alt+F4.

Q3 2022

3. Layers of Fear 3

This isn’t a Konami property. They’re just…They were already making this one. It’ll probably be pretty good.

2. Dance Dance Revolutionary War Ghosts

In a surprise move, Bloober is moving into rhythm games. This is no ordinary Dance Dance Revolution, though. You’ll play Samuel T. Forscythe, a lowly footsoldier in the Revolutionary war. You’ll load your musket to the beat of 15 brand new original songs, based on hymns from the revolutionary war! Not everything is well in Samuel’s life, as the dead from the battlefield begin to shed their mortal bodies and seek out those who wronged them! You’ll be moving your body to the keening wales and moans of the restless dead as you try to break a new high score on founding father John Dickinson’s 1768 hit song ‘The Liberty Song’. Discover the secret of the necromancy behind the King’s ghost army as you boogie down to absolute bops.

Release Date Q3 2022

1. Boktai: Please Go Outside

Taking inspiration from the 2003 Hideo Kojima game that came with an attached solar sensor, Boktai: Please Go Outside comes in digital and physical copies. The digital copy will be tied to your computer’s hardware. It will only be able to be played at night, so that you can enjoy the daylight hours. The physical edition will come with an actual full-sized solar panel that you must connect your controller to. Once you’ve installed the panel, you’ll be ready to start battling vampires in Boktai! Warning messages will show up every thirty minutes to remind you to do a variety of healthy things that vampire hunters need to do to stay strong. They include:

• Go outside
• Touch some grass
• Drink some water
• Stop talking about Silent Hill

We hope you’re excited about the new releases coming in the next year from Bloonami! Bloonami: It’s always been called that, what are you talking about?