Sony Patent Reveals Plans for Disturbing Robot Friend

Have you ever been playing a game by your lonesome and wistfully thought how nice it would be if a soulless machine found its way into your life so it could enjoy the game with you? No? That’s not something people have ever felt? That’s actually completely deranged? Well, fear not friends because Sony corporate thought innovators think you do anyways. Brave whistleblowers at the US Patent & Trademark office have alerted the world to the horrible patent that Sony has filed

As you can see from the carefully constructed MS Paint diagram, Sony geniuses believe that the experience of playing a video game is not enough. The experience would be much more elevated if you were to have a mechanical anthropomorphic raisin to sit next to you and remind you how much fun you’re having. The patent describes this invention as a “human-type pet-type robot,” leading me to believe that it is actually making you the player more a pet to Sony than the robot would be to you. The parasocial stimulant raisin machine, reminiscent of the Funzo toy, would have features that can enhance the gaming experience by “the robot viewing the game play next to the user and being pleased or sad together with the user.” The robot will have a camera, a microphone, motion detecting sensors, and a chemtrail dispenser installed to give you the most optimized home panopticon that technology can create. 

Much like innovation such as the McDonalds commercial that will not go away until you shout “McDonalds” or Amazon’s idea for locking employees in cages with mechanical arms, the Sony Raisin is just the latest in batshit insane ideas that attempt to solve human problems with outrageous technocratic solutions. It is worth noting that these sorts of patents are done all the time and rarely come to fruition. But all the same, the fact that Sony did not fire whatever engineer dreamt of this wretched machine, but in fact thought it worthwhile to patent, should at the very least raise eyebrows. For more information on how you may pre-order this product, please visit hell-is-real-and-we-live-in-it.gov.

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